


all the things you never say (they'll come back to you someday)

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Author regrets nothing, F/M, IT'S NOT AS DARK AS IT SEEMS I PROMISE, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, References to Depression, Steggy - Freeform, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6140004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Winter Soldier (with the advice of Fury and Sam) Steve decides to see a therapist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all the things you never say (they'll come back to you someday)

Comprehensive Reports [FOR OFFICE USE ONLY]

**Name** : Rogers, Steven G

 **DOB** : 07/04/1918

 **Date:** 05/07/2014

 **Gender:** M

 **Follow Up Appt Scheduled:** _Y_ /N

Patient is a former soldier [World War II] and suffers from PTSD, chronic insomnia, repressed emotions and severe depression. Patient is in denial and refuses to acknowledge these conditions but expressed interest in continuing therapy. Questioned patient about time served, patient smiled but appeared nervous, changed the subject.

*

 **Name:** Rogers, Steven G

 **DOB:** 07/04/1918

 **Date:** 05/25/2014

 **Gender:** M

 **Follow Up Appt Scheduled:** _Y_ /N

Patient consented to recording session. Transcript follows.

 

PATIENT: [smiles] Good morning ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: Good morning, Steven.

PATIENT: [smiles, maintains eye contact] So, uh, it looks like it's gonna rain out. Hope you brought an umbrella.

COOKE, EVA: [laughs] I did, indeed. How are you feeling today, Steven?

PATIENT: [blank expression] You know, I'm not too bad.

COOKE, EVA: Could you elaborate on that?

PATIENT: [looks away] Its been a busy day for me.

COOKE, EVA: Would you like to talk about it?

PATIENT: [smiles, maintains eye contact] I haven't been sleeping well but you know how it is.

COOKE, EVA: We touched on that in our last session, have your sleeping habits improved or gotten worse since then?

PATIENT: [clears throat, shifts in chair] They haven't. Well I guess you could say that they haven't improved.

COOKE, EVA: Are you still having the nightmares?

PATIENT: [briefly grimaces] Those? [pauses] Yeah.

COOKE, EVA: And are they following the same patterns they were at our last session?

PATIENT: [looks away] Yes.

COOKE, EVA: I'd like to discuss them if that's okay with you.

PATIENT: [hesitates] [leaves to look out the window] Yeah, okay.

COOKE, EVA: These nightmares seem to revolve around one person in particular, I'd like to discuss this person.

PATIENT: [posture stiffens] [returns to chair] What would you like to know?

COOKE, EVA: When you dream of him [Barnes, James B.] you say that you see him falling from a train and this dream combines with a more recent event in which he made an attempt upon your life. [shuffles folder] You've mentioned the feeling of loss upon waking, could you tell me more about that?

PATIENT: [maintains eye contact] He was my best friend.

COOKE, EVA: Go on.

PATIENT: [takes a deep breath and exhales] He didn't try to kill me. He wasn't in control...that's not who he is. If you'd met him then you'd understand. He's the kind of person who makes old ladies smile and he used to pick flowers for our neighbor, after work. _They_ did this to him.

COOKE, EVA: And who are _they?_

PATIENT: [balls hands into fists] Hydra. I thought...[trails off, sighs]

COOKE, EVA: Do you still view this person as your best friend? As a brother in arms?

PATIENT: Of course.

COOKE, EVA: Tell me about him.

PATIENT: What would you like to know?

COOKE, EVA: Anything that you'd feel safe sharing.

PATIENT: My mom died and I had nothing but he [pauses, shifts in chair] Bucky...I mean I had _him_.

COOKE, EVA: In what manner?

PATIENT: [smiles sadly] In every way you could ever have a person.

COOKE, EVA: I see.

PATIENT: [posture stiffens] It wasn't like _that._

COOKE, EVA: How do you feel about that?

PATIENT: [smiles] How do you think I feel?

COOKE, EVA: Does it disappoint you?

PATIENT: [nods - yes]

COOKE, EVA: Did this person know about your feelings?

PATIENT: [bites lip, looks down, avoids eye contact] No, no he didn't.

COOKE, EVA: How do you feel about that?

PATIENT: [appears to be uncomfortable] Could I trouble you for a glass of water?

[pause]

PATIENT: Thank you ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: You're welcome. Would you like to continue where we left off?

PATIENT: I...no.

COOKE, EVA: I understand. I'd like to discuss your mental health.

PATIENT: [drinks]

COOKE, EVA: You suffer from severe depression, have you sought treatment for it aside from therapy?

PATIENT: No ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: Have you considered medication?

PATIENT: It wouldn't work, not with how my metabolism and body function.

COOKE, EVA: I understand. When did you first notice the depression?

PATIENT: [looks away] I'm not sure.

COOKE, EVA: It's okay. For some it's a sudden onset, for others it's chronic and becomes their version of normal.

PATIENT: [smiles politely]

COOKE, EVA: Have you sought treatment for PTSD? We touched on that topic in our last session if you recall.

PATIENT: [posture stiffens] I've spoken to a friend about it. He works with soldiers.

COOKE, EVA: And have you made any progress with that?

PATIENT: [smiles] I don't... [pauses] Yeah.

COOKE, EVA: I'm afraid that we're out of time for today but I'd like to see you in three weeks.

PATIENT: [nods, shakes therapists hand] Thank you ma'am.

**[/END SESSION]**

*****

**Name:** Rogers, Steven G

 **DOB:** 07/04/1918

 **Date:** 06/15/2014

 **Gender:** M

 **Follow Up Appt Scheduled:** _Y_ /N

[Patient/Therapist consent form for recording sessions enclosed, signed by both parties]

 

PATIENT: Good afternoon ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: Good afternoon, Steven.

PATIENT: [takes seat] I brought a few things.

COOKE, EVA: Would you like to share them with me?

PATIENT: [nods - yes] [places dogtags and two framed photographs on desk. both pictures are b&w, one of a female in uniform and the other of a male in uniform] I don't have much since...I lost almost everything I had so.

COOKE, EVA: Could you explain the items to me and their significance?

PATIENT: [points to photograph of the female] This is...Peggy.

COOKE, EVA: Was Peggy important to you?

PATIENT: [smiles] _is._ She's in a hospital now. Yes.

COOKE, EVA: Have you spoken with her since the incident that brought you here?

PATIENT: [frowns, stares at photograph] She doesn't remember me, well she does but her brain isn't...

COOKE, EVA: How do you feel about that?

PATIENT: [shoulders slump] I wish things could've been different. She doesn't remember me half the time and I don't think Bucky remembers me at all.

COOKE, EVA: [examines photograph of male soldier in b&w] Is this your best friend?

PATIENT: [avoids looking at photograph] Yeah, that's Bucky.

COOKE, EVA: Have you been in contact with him any at all?

PATIENT: [walks over to window] I can't find him.

COOKE, EVA: Does it bother you?

PATIENT: [nods- yes]

COOKE, EVA: Tell me about Peggy.

PATIENT: [returns to seat, smiles sadly and clasps photograph] She was the only person, other than Buck, who believed in me.

COOKE, EVA: How do you feel about her?

PATIENT: [places photograph on desk] I love her. I was (will always be) in love with her.

COOKE, EVA: And what about this person? [holds photograph of male soldier in b&w]

PATIENT: [posture stiffens, looks away] About the same.

COOKE, EVA: [places photograph on desk] [collects worn dogtags] Tell me about these.

PATIENT: Those were mine. They, uh, found them with me when...[trails off]

COOKE, EVA: How did your time in the military make you feel?

PATIENT: [smirks, shakes head] Depends on whether you mean before the serum or after.

COOKE, EVA: Lets go with before the serum.

PATIENT: [looks down at hands] I wanted to be there but no one thought I'd survive. I had asthma and Buck tried to talk me out of joining but they took me anyways.

COOKE, EVA: What about after the serum?

PATIENT: [smiles] After we got past the dancing monkey part it wasn't too bad.

COOKE, EVA: What was it like after your friend fell from the train?

PATIENT: [crosses arms across chest protectively] I didn't...there was a lot of planning after and Hydra then...the jet.

COOKE, EVA: Are you referring to when you crashed a jet into icy water?

PATIENT: [nods - yes]

COOKE, EVA: How long after he fell did the jet event happen?

PATIENT: [is silent for a moment, flexes hands on armrests] Not very long.

COOKE, EVA: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts, Steven?

PATIENT: [breathes heavily, moves to stand at the window]

COOKE, EVA: Take your time.

PATIENT: [inhales and exhales deeply for a moment] And if I said yes?

COOKE, EVA: If you said yes then I'd like to discuss that topic.

PATIENT: [posture stiffens] Yes.

COOKE, EVA: When did they begin?

PATIENT: [grits teeth] 1943.

COOKE, EVA: Is there a significance to that year?

PATIENT: That's when he...[trails off]

COOKE, EVA: Did you ever act upon these thoughts?

PATIENT: [scoffs] Everyone thinks I'm a hero.

COOKE, EVA: Do you agree with them?

PATIENT: No.

COOKE, EVA: Why is that?

PATIENT: [presses forehead against glass window pane] I crashed that jet to save innocent people but...that wasn't...

COOKE, EVA: Have you ever placed yourself in a hazardous situation that could endanger your life (on purpose)?

PATIENT: That's kind of my job.

COOKE, EVA: [makes a note in file] Do you still have suicidal thoughts?

PATIENT: [sighs] Sometimes but [laughs dryly] I can't ever seem to die.

COOKE, EVA: Would you like to die?

PATIENT: [quietly] Sometimes, it depends on the day.

COOKE, EVA: I'm going to give you the number of a hotline that you can call when you're having those feelings and urges.

PATIENT: [nods]

COOKE, EVA: Here's that [passes a card to him] and I'm afraid that we're out of time for today, Steven. I'd like for you to return in two weeks and call me if anything changes.

PATIENT: [confused, stands] Two?

COOKE, EVA: I'm taking off for vacation and I'd like for you to come in before then.

PATIENT: [nods and collects items] I'll see you then.

**[/END SESSION]**

 

 **Name:** Rogers, Steven G.

 **DOB:** 07/04/1918

 **Date:** 06/29/2014

 **Gender:** M

 **Follow Up Appt Scheduled:** Y/ _N_

 

COOKE, EVA: Good morning, Steven.

PATIENT: [smiles, takes seat] Good morning ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: I understand that you'll no longer be my patient after this appointment.

PATIENT: You've been very helpful but I just...there's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm working on something.

COOKE, EVA: I understand.

PATIENT: [clears throat] I almost found him.

COOKE, EVA: Are you referring to Bucky?

PATIENT: [nods - yes]

COOKE, EVA: You were unsuccessful?

PATIENT: [sighs heavily, rubs hands over face] Yeah.

COOKE, EVA: Do you plan on continuing in your endeavors to locate him?

PATIENT: [smiles sadly] He'd do the same for me.

COOKE, EVA: Are you prepared for how he might behave if you were to find him?

PATIENT: [maintains eye contact] With all due respect ma'am he tried to kill me last time I saw him. I don't think it can get any worse than that.

COOKE, EVA: I understand.

PATIENT: [remains silent]

COOKE, EVA: I'd like to discuss your sleeping habits. Have they improved or gotten worse?

PATIENT: [rubs eyes] I don't sleep well.

COOKE, EVA: Nightmares?

PATIENT: Not every night.

COOKE, EVA: How many hours of sleep are you getting?

PATIENT: [smirks] Does sleeping with your eyes open count?

COOKE, EVA: Do you do that?

PATIENT: Nah. I...about three hours.

COOKE, EVA: Have you tried alternative sleep methods? Soothing music? Lavender?

PATIENT: I find that boxing helps.

COOKE, EVA: Do you go to the gym when you can't sleep?

PATIENT: [nods - yes]

COOKE, EVA: How is your depression?

PATIENT: [smiles] I'm fine.

COOKE, EVA: Would you consider yourself to be a person who is suffering from depression, Steven?

PATIENT: [hesitates] No.

COOKE, EVA: Would you consider yourself to be a person who has post traumatic stress disorder due to the war and traumatic events?

PATIENT: [avoids eye contact] [hesitates] Sam seems to think so. He didn't mention the term but he asked me to come to one of his meetings for soldiers with PTSD.

COOKE, EVA: Did you attend?

PATIENT: [nods - yes]

COOKE, EVA: Was it helpful?

PATIENT: [shrugs] [silently stares at a painting on the wall] Did you paint that?

COOKE, EVA: I did, yes.

PATIENT: [examines painting] It's beautiful.

COOKE, EVA: Thank you.

PATIENT: I used to sketch.

COOKE, EVA: You don't anymore?

PATIENT: [straightens the crooked picture] Not in the past year or so.

COOKE, EVA: Art can be very therapeutic, have you considered that?

PATIENT: I never seem to have the time.

COOKE, EVA: [is silent, listens]

PATIENT: [sits once more, changes topic] I went to see her.

COOKE, EVA: Who did you visit?

PATIENT: [quietly] Peggy.

COOKE, EVA: How do you feel about it?

PATIENT: [looks down at hands] She remembered me for about five minutes. I, uh, I talked to her about him.

COOKE, EVA: Did it help?

PATIENT: She always knows exactly what to say. She told me to go get him and bring him home.

COOKE, EVA: Did you discuss other topics with her?

PATIENT: [shifts in chair] She told me about her kids, I'm happy for her. She deserves a happy life, we all did.

COOKE, EVA: Do you consider your life to be a happy one?

PATIENT: [maintains eye contact, smiles sadly] I'm not sure.

COOKE, EVA: Would locating your friend help?

PATIENT: [sideways smile] Yeah, yeah it would.

COOKE, EVA: Will you be searching for him on your own?

PATIENT: I have a friend who is willing to help.

COOKE, EVA: Is the friend aware of this persons physical and mental state?

PATIENT: He is, yes.

COOKE, EVA: I'm going to switch gears here since we're almost out of time. I'd like to speak with you about therapy options in regard to PTSD.

PATIENT: [remains silent, nods]

COOKE, EVA: Have you heard of CBT? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

PATIENT: No ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: CBT helps with how you _think_ about the trauma. The goal is to understand what happened and how you feel about it, you'll learn how to cope with your fears and it could potentially help with the nightmares. If you're carrying guilt and regret then CBT can help you understand that the events that occurred were not your fault. However there are other options if CBT doesn't sound like a viable option.

PATIENT: [remains silent]

COOKE, EVA: The other option is exposure therapy. It's similar to the method we've been using but it's more invasive. It includes a process called "flooding" in which the patient recalls a lot of traumatic memories at once and the idea is to make the patient less overwhelmed due to releasing the memories and putting them out in the open. It also works more with the breathing techniques we practiced during your first few appointments.

PATIENT: [nods in acknowledgement, posture stiffens]

COOKE, EVA: There's also EMDR which stands for 'Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing'. The way it works is that the patient discusses trauma and tracks the therapists hands or other controlled movements as they speak. It's currently in the beginning stages but I wanted you to know that there are options out there.

PATIENT: Thank you ma'am.

COOKE, EVA: That marks the end of our session, Steven. If you need a referral please stop by the receptionist's desk and she'll type that up for you.

PATIENT: [rises, shakes therapists hand] Thank you ma'am, you've been very helpful.

COOKE, EVA: You're welcome, I wish you all the best wherever life takes you.

PATIENT: [nods, leaves]

**[/END TRANSCRIPT]**

 

 **Notes:** Patient did not request referral. Initial diagnoses still apply. Patient has terminated health services.


End file.
